Note posted at my FB 1 month and 2 days after my mom’s passing away. ..
October 11, 2011
Last night I dreamt of my mom, everything was so clear and she was so alive. We went out to buy some things and went back home to arrange the things we bought. I knew I was dreaming, and needed to wake up soon to go to work. I wanted to say good bye because I must go. I wanted to hug her but was afraid because I knew it was a dream. I was afraid that I could not touch her. But I did hug her and she felt so real. As I hugged her I asked her to come back. My mom smiled and let go.
I woke up crying.
I wanted to say that I need her despite that I always wanted to prove her that I am independent and can take of myself.
I wanted to hear her encouragement because she is my critic and the few and simple encouragements she gave were special. At times when I felt helpless when people put me down she was the one who would say that I am strong and beautiful and to ignore the ugly stupid ones. When I had personal struggles with people around me she told me to be strong, fight back and never give up.
But mom you gave up and so did I and now I am lost…
She was my number one critic at the same time the person I go to when everything feels wrong.
Mom you taught me to forgive.
And I forgive you…
Though I am still learning to forgive myself…
I am grieving…
I am in denial thinking that my mom is on a vacation and we will see each other again. Someday we will see each other again.
Everyday I cover my sadness, pretending that everything is fine. Trying to go on thru life like nothing significant happened. In my attempt to hide my sad feelings it turns into anger. Because I feel that people whom I expect to understand, do not. Why does nobody understand?
Do not ask me “kamusta” or “how are you” because I lie when I say that I’m ok.
Stop asking. Further going deep in my grief does not make me feel better.
I need time and compassion because I am not my usual self.
I am pretending to be fine but I am not.
I despise the heavy feeling of sadness pulling me down and the feeling of anger making me want to explode.
I have feelings of regret, wishing I could have done more things with my mom when I had the chance. Maybe if only I could have spent more time with her I would not have this feeling of regret. Maybe if I had more chance to take care of her, maybe she would still be alive.
It has been one month and 2 days. Every day I cry when I am alone remembering her. I can not pretend forever that she will come back, because she will not. Nothing can bring back the past. When I realize this I feel helpless and sad.
I am still waiting for the period of acceptance. Wherein remembering mom will not bring sad memories but happy ones. Yes she is free of pain. We should be happy. Easier said than done.
We live each day never thinking about death, for it is a dreadful thought. We go on with life like we are immortals. We take advantage and take for granted important people around us thinking that we will never lose them. But some day we will. One of us will be gone before the other. And none of us will be prepared for it. Even if we all know that eventually it will happen.
Death and loosing a love one gives much realization in life. It saddens me that most people are blind and careless of others. It saddens me and angers me.
As psychologist I forget every damn theory and healthy coping.
Damn rational thoughts for I want to be lost in sorrow.
Damn displacement of negative emotions for I do not want to be the only one in pain.
Damn social support, I do not want to talk so let me be.
Though I must admit I can not survive through all of this alone…
No words can explain the sadness. No words can give comfort.
I feel empty.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
I feel alone.